Dear Jeni,

This past year I have made many friends at a particular website. I think one friend has a serious alcohol problem. He says things that hurt other mutual friends, then tries to undue the damage. I suspect he does this while drunk and doesn't remember what he has done. He then says he doesn't understand why certain people are mad at him. He plays the part of the victim. I am a little familiar with situations like this. I had a brother-in-law who was an alcoholic from his early teen years. When he was sober, he was an OK guy. When he was drunk, he was married to two women who didn't know about each other and neither did his family. He did some really bizarre things. When I was a child, I had a neighbor who was alcoholic. He and his family kept it under wraps for many years. I think I was 20 before I realized what was going on. I saw him walking down the road, stumbling and falling several times before he reached his door. Mom told me why!

I guess what I need to know is: What can I say to convince my friends to accept the apologies of the offender and give him another chance? He has sent them some bizarre emails asking for forgiveness. I know it's the alcohol talking. How can I get them to separate the alcohol from the man and understand which is which speaking to them?

Stuck in the middle

*********************************************************

Dear Stuck,

I may best answer your question with but a single line: I, an official Jeni, do hereby absolve you of responsibility. The situation is sad, and your concern is certainly understandable. But you are not truly stuck in the middle; you have placed yourself there, and you need to leave at once. You are responsible only for your own actions and words, not for those of others. If your friends ask you about the man, there is certainly nothing wrong with telling them your thoughts and your approach to him. But your friends must choose for themselves whether to respond to this man with forgiveness or with censure. And just as you offer understanding and support to your alcoholic friend, you should extend that same compassion and empathy to your other friends and the difficult choices that they may have to make in regard to this man. Best of luck to you all.

Jeni