Jeni,

What is the best way to surprise an internet friend on his birthday?

Getting older by the day

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Dear Getting Older,

The best way to surprise an internet friend is to make a real life appearance. You should try something particularly festive like writing "Happy Birthday" in gasoline on his yard at night and setting it aflame. He will surely be delighted by your thoughtfulness and invite you in for a piece of leftover birthday cake.

--Jeni