Dear Jeni,

Are child window proclamations a good purchase?

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Funny that you should ask about this unusual item just a week or so after I received yet another flier about it in the mail. I am unsure whether this product is widely available or known. The fliers look rather homemade, so I suspect that this may be some bizarre local phenomenon. For the sake of readers who may not have received said flier in their mailbox yet, I have recorded the main text of it below:

Proclaim Your Child To Be the Best

Have you ever wondered if that honor roll bumper sticker on your car is really sufficient to honor your child properly? Doesn’t the world deserve to know more about YOUR little angel? Why settle for a bumper sticker or a yard sign announcing a single accomplishment when you could display a customized proclamation that clearly shows your child to be the best?

What is a child window proclamation?
A child window proclamation is a customized, detailed resume of all your child’s accomplishments printed on a clear adhesive sticker that you may display on any window on your car, home, or office.

What sort of accomplishments should be included on a child window proclamation?
Everything from being the valedictorian of his/her kindergarten class to finishing first in last week’s intermural championship.

Who designs the layout of my child window proclamation?
Because your child’s accomplishments deserve the best graphical presentation possible, we hire only licensed graphic designers to do our layouts.

Would a child window proclamation make a good gift?
Of course! Anyone who knows your child would love to have one as a gift. A child window proclamation is also a great way to express to those people who have never had the joy of meeting your child just how wonderful your child really is.

So, on to your question. Really, if you had read the flier at all, you would not need to ask this. Surely you got a flier. How else would you have heard about such a bizarre product? Anyone who does not have sense enough to read and listen to random pieces of paper distributed to the masses through the public mail does not deserve a proper answer from a fine and educated Jeni.

--Jeni