Dear Jeni,

How many sentences are needed to make up a complete paragraph? Some say five, but I think in certain cases three may be sufficient. What do you think?

Grammatically yours,
I-Cat

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Dear I-Cat,

According to the Tao Te Ching, the perfect knot has no rope. According to Jeni, the perfect paragraph has no sentences.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I am currently dying of nothing. Which Vicotorian illness do you think best suits a middle class woman and gentle bearing but unplumbed strength--dropsy or vapors?

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous Victorian,

Both illnesses are quite proper to your bearing and social status and should be indulged in frequently, though never at the same time. The more pressing concern, however, is the issue of treatment. Bloodletting should be considered an all-purpose treatment for such illnesses, especially in cases where it induces swooning. Best acquire a fine porcelain bowl to place under your arm before bleeding. Should you have difficulty finding an adequately delicate bowl while in your enfeebled state, leeches will suffice. It is advisable that you go recline forthwith upon a velvet chaise, and do remember, my dear, that observing such proper formalities in treatment is essential to maintaining the dignity of your illness.

--Jeni

Jeni,

I love the idea behind the blog! Now onto my silly question - which Macaroni & Cheese is the definitive Mac & Cheese? Is it really Kraft blue box or perhaps some lesser known brand that most of us have never heard of? This is a question that has plagued us for generations and now you - a random Jeni - hold the power in your hands to give the final, definitive answer. Are you up to the challenge?

Looking forward to trying out your response,
A Mac & Cheese enthusiast

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Dear Mac,

Alas! the ideal, platonic form of Macaroni and Cheese has not yet found expression in the actual world. For as everyone knows, proper macaroni and cheese consists of a cheddar cheese sauce and machine-produced elbow pasta made without egg. The tastiest version of this dish, however, lacks the essential elbow shape: Pasta Roni's Shells & White Cheddar.

Condolences, my friend. Fate is often cruel.

--Jeni

Dear Ask A Jeni,

Why do you not have a place where people can submit a question via your blog instead of email? Some disadvantaged people do not have email.

Jerome Black

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Dear Jerome,

The fine people at hotmail.com offer free email to both the advantaged and disadvantaged alike. It is also possible to post questions as comments on individual blog entries for those too lazy to set up an account, though it has yet to be determined whether or not I shall accept questions presented in such an unorthodox manner.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I received notice from the Treasury Department today that my 30 year old HH bond will receive no more interest after November.
What should I do???

1. Cash it and put it in my Money Market account.

2. Cash it and buy a Certificate of Deposit.

3. Invest in other Savings Bonds.

4 Cash it and buy a vacuum cleaner.(I really don't like cleaning).

5. Cash it and send the $$ to you.

6. Ask Clark Howard for advise.

Any and all help is appreciated.

Thank You,
Financially Dysfunctional

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Dear Dysfunctional,

This is really quite a good question. Everyone knows that money is generally meant to be hoarded, but few people know how to do so properly anymore. Allow me to enlighten you.

First of all, you need to cash in your bond. Insist upon gold coins, which are far more satisfying to stack into tall, neat piles. If you cannot manage this, $1 bills are acceptable, I suppose. The second step is to locate a proper box. The ideal box will fit nicely under your bed and will be just slightly too small to contain your cash. The last point is essential: you want the box to be overflowing with money! (Alternatively, you could purchase a counting desk, but this would limit your hoarding and so is not recommended.) Now every day, you must close your drapes, lock your door, and count your money. Doing so should inspire you to add to your pile. Perhaps one day you will find yourself rich. Then you can quit your job and spend all day counting your money.

Best of luck to you.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I spend a lot of time on the computer. I am up half the night, then have a terrible time getting up for work the next morning. Should I quit my job or just log off and get a life?

Undecided

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Dear Undecided,

By all means, quit your job. And while you're at it, throw your computer out the nearest window. Why choose just one option when you can have the pleasure of doing both? Personally, I recommend vagabonding through Europe. If you do this without managing to have an epiphany about how best to waste your time, you can always take up another worthless project like writing a dissertation. Of course at that point, you may wish you had kept your computer after all.

--Jeni

hi Jeni u r hot! Y dont u post a pitcher of urslf I bet ur hot.

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

You clearly have an overactive imagination. You have absolutely no evidence upon which to base your assertion. Some people might call this a logical fallacy. Others might simply refer to it as common stupidity. Being the ever considerate person that I am, I shall let you decide which description you prefer.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

Are child window proclamations a good purchase?

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Funny that you should ask about this unusual item just a week or so after I received yet another flier about it in the mail. I am unsure whether this product is widely available or known. The fliers look rather homemade, so I suspect that this may be some bizarre local phenomenon. For the sake of readers who may not have received said flier in their mailbox yet, I have recorded the main text of it below:

Proclaim Your Child To Be the Best

Have you ever wondered if that honor roll bumper sticker on your car is really sufficient to honor your child properly? Doesn’t the world deserve to know more about YOUR little angel? Why settle for a bumper sticker or a yard sign announcing a single accomplishment when you could display a customized proclamation that clearly shows your child to be the best?

What is a child window proclamation?
A child window proclamation is a customized, detailed resume of all your child’s accomplishments printed on a clear adhesive sticker that you may display on any window on your car, home, or office.

What sort of accomplishments should be included on a child window proclamation?
Everything from being the valedictorian of his/her kindergarten class to finishing first in last week’s intermural championship.

Who designs the layout of my child window proclamation?
Because your child’s accomplishments deserve the best graphical presentation possible, we hire only licensed graphic designers to do our layouts.

Would a child window proclamation make a good gift?
Of course! Anyone who knows your child would love to have one as a gift. A child window proclamation is also a great way to express to those people who have never had the joy of meeting your child just how wonderful your child really is.

So, on to your question. Really, if you had read the flier at all, you would not need to ask this. Surely you got a flier. How else would you have heard about such a bizarre product? Anyone who does not have sense enough to read and listen to random pieces of paper distributed to the masses through the public mail does not deserve a proper answer from a fine and educated Jeni.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

My next door neighbor's moved out 3 months ago and their cat ran off just as they were leaving. They tried to come back and get him several times, but he had turned quasi-feral at that point and wouldn't get around people for a month. We kept putting food and water out, but he still wouldn't come near. Then my Mom cooked up some freezer-burned trout and gave it to him, and he has loved us ever since. Do we own this cat now, or should we lock him up and call the long-lost ex-neighbors?

Sincerely,
Flabbergasted Feline Friend

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Dear Flabber,

No, you do not own the cat. Cats cannot be owned like slaves. The cat has seen fit to honor you with his presence. You should go around basking in your undeserved glory.

Also, it is bad form to serve food of poor quality to cats.

--Jeni

P.S. Jeni not responsible for typos by original authors of letters.

Dear Jeni,

Why are you not an advice columnist?

Signed,
Anonymous Friend and Advocate

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Dear Friend,

I was not previously aware that I should be one. Perhaps this blog shall satisfy you. Of course, it is entirely possible that no one shall ask me any questions and that the column shall languish for some time, unread and ignored, before being unceremoniously committed to the flames. I hope you can live with yourself should this venture encounter some such fate.

--Jeni