Thursday, November 30, 2006

Dear Jeni,

Who is this person claiming to be Zorak, the arch-enemy of Space Ghost? S/he seems to have developed an unhealthy, obsessive fondness for you. Do you need me to kick some ass?

Obsessed Jeni Fanatic, aka Jeni's One True and Timeless Love


Dear Obsessed,

I'm afraid, dear fanatic, that the blog posting to which you link offers evidence of unhealthy obsession only on your own behalf. Furthermore, the benefit of being a random Jeni is that I may reject monogamy and accept as many obsessed admirers as may happen to come my way.

Oh, and in response to Zorak's observation that my blog is not updated frequently enough, I can only add that a Jeni would never stoop so low as to ask herself questions. Since I answer all questions that are asked, it is the fault of my uninquisitive readers if they find the blog updated but occasionally.


P.S. Any true fanatic might be interested in promoting my blog with the brand new askajeni bumper sticker.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Dear Jeni,

Thanks so much, dear, for your detailed and well thought out suggestion. I did take it under the the most careful consideration. However, prior to receiving your keen advice, I took the step of setting the time manually. After a few days of successful time-keeping, I believe the machine has adequately proven its demon-free state. Nevertheless, I will keep the matter under close supervision, and should any sign of a nefarious presence return, I will reconsider your idea.

Many thanks,

Hermoine G. Wells


Dear Ms. Wells,

The curative powers of a Jeni are so potent that sometimes they work even before her sage advice is administered. How nice for you that your electronic equipment is now depossessed!


Sunday, November 26, 2006

Dear Jeni,

The time on my VCR keeps changing. Sometimes it is only about 30 minutes off; other times it is off by several hours. What should I do?

H.G. Wells


Dear Mr. Wells,

Clearly, your VCR is possessed by a demon of the most dangerous sort. The only reliable way to deal with such a situation is to perform an equally dangerous exorcism. But, beware that your VCR may not survive the ordeal.

That noted, here is what you should do. Wait until after sunset. Collect bells to ring and ancient incense to burn. Light the incense so that the fumes spread out all about the attacking spirit located in the VCR, and walk around it several times ringing one or more bells. Proceed to banish the negative emotional energy through chants of your choice (either religious or new age). Then attack the spirit directly through verbal commands spoken loudly and firmly and through nonverbal commands spoken telepathically. As the spirit is leaving, the counsellee (i.e., the VCR) shall shake most violently. This is to be expected. Continue with the verbal commands until the spirit leaves, an event which should be exceedingly obvious and needs no description. Traditionally, you should then administer soothing ointments and words to the counsellee. In your particular case, you might consider omitting the ointments; the VCR might not take kindly to them.

Best of luck to you. And by all means, write back to tell us all how the exorcism goes and the fate of the hapless VCR.


Thursday, November 09, 2006

Dear Jeni,

How did you get your URL to show up on Google searches? Mine won't.

'nernets is hard.



Dear Anonymous,

Random Jenis cannot be expected to know such arcane things, especially one who has scores of devoted followers who apparently accomplish such things for her.