Dear Jeni,

You recently told my mother to cash in her bonds; then you advised her to vagabond across Europe. Well, thanks! Now she's gone, the cat's are hungry, and dishes are piling up in the sink. And WHAT'S THAT SMELL?!

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

What on earth are you doing writing to me when you should be feeding the cats and packing up their belongings so that they too may go vagabonding far away from the dishes and the smell? It is quite unmannerly of you to subject your innocent cats to hunger, boredom, and filth.
For shame!

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

You'd think that one of the 30,000 research scientists at the 36th Annual Meeting of the Society for Neuroscience would be able to help me with this one, but no such luck. For the past year or so, I have been trying to definitively show that human astrocytes (at least those of the commerical A172 line) express cytokine-induced iNOS and CXCL10 via the NF-kB pathway. Previously I have been isolating the p50/p65 heterodimer by nuclear extraction and quantifying the p65 by western immunoblot analysis, but the bands--while clearly showing that NF-kB is involved--have been rather blurry and inconsistent between experiments. I hypothesize that one can observe p65 spectrophotometrically through an enzyme-linked immunosorbent assay (ELISA) since we do the same for the aforementioned CXCL10, however, I have yet to find a commercially available kit. If no such kit exists, can you tell me which antibodies and buffers I need, and how I may obtain pure NF-kBp65 to use as a control? Thanks Jeni, you're a lifesaver.

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous Scientist,

It seems that you are looking for a philosopher's stone of sorts, a mystical substance that can be used for any purpose and can function as any imaginable chemical. Fortunately for you, such a magical substance does actually exist and, perhaps even more importantly, any random Jeni can tell you where to find it. Of course, this philosopher's stone is legendarily difficult to attain. Are you, a lab-coated scientist at home only among beakers and esoteric compounds, up for the challenge? The substance occurs naturally in only one known place: the spleen of a living jackalope. Proceed, therefore, humble scientist, into the wild world of the American West and capture one of these oversized bunnies forthwith, and you shall be rewarded with eternal fame.
--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

Three different people have come up to me at church in the last eight days. The first lady is about 10 years older than I am. She said she and her friends had just been noticing how my "looks" never change. The next one said I still look the same as I did when I babysat her teen age children when they were in the nursery. She than gave me a hug. About an hour later, this young man (the youngest son of the first lady) came up to me and said I looked just as I did when he was in grade school. How should I react to this kind of flattery? Maybe their eyes are going bad.

Growing old gracefully

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Dear Growing Old,

I recommend investing in a cane. It will counteract your youthful good looks, and using it to give a good whack to the head should prevent any more unwanted compliments. Nasty creatures, these people. Let us rid them from the world forthwith.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

What's the best way to keep a virtual Speckled Goldbulb alive? Mine keep dying.

Sincerely,
Something's Fishy

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Dear Fishy,

Your virtual fish was never alive in the first place. Instead of wasting your time with such nonsense, you should embark upon a series of experiments to create a Frankenfish, a mutant monster fish that shall bring an end to hunger for the fish-eating population, an achievement which shall bring you fame, fortune, and the admiration of cats worldwide.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I am currently teaching a writing class, and am getting behind in my grading. Can you recommend some ways I can get caught up?

Thanks,
Getting Behind in (City Withheld)

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Dear Getting Behind,

There are many excellent, sound pedagogical strategies for the grading of student papers:

1. Attach all papers to an obliging fence. Dip small rocks in paint. Assign each grade a particular color. Assault papers at your leisure. Reveal color coding to students who ask about their grade (probably better not to inform them of your secret grading process though).

2. Have students write their address on their papers. Attach each paper to a helium balloon along with a message for the finder to grade the paper and return it to the student as soon as possible.

3. Burn down your house. Explain to anyone concerned (students, administrators, etc.) that the papers were in your house and cannot now be graded.

Option three is best used only in a true emergency.

--Jeni

Jeni,

What is the best way to surprise an internet friend on his birthday?

Getting older by the day

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Dear Getting Older,

The best way to surprise an internet friend is to make a real life appearance. You should try something particularly festive like writing "Happy Birthday" in gasoline on his yard at night and setting it aflame. He will surely be delighted by your thoughtfulness and invite you in for a piece of leftover birthday cake.

--Jeni

Dear Jeni,

What should I do about the ping-pong table in my driveway? The guy that said he wanted it hasn't taken it yet, and it's an eyesore! But it is too heavy for me to move.

Going back and forth,
Reluctant Table Possessor

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Dear Possessor,

Now, how is anyone supposed to enjoy stealing something if they don't know its value? Place a "for sale" sign on the table listing the price as $500 in very large print. Tomorrow, it will be gone.

--Jeni

Jeni,

What, in your opinion, is the best way to fight boredom?

Bored

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Dear Bored,

First of all, you need to get into an anatomically challenging position that is as uncomfortable as it is awkward. Then stare straight ahead at a blank white wall for as long as possible--at least a few hours. You shall feel enlightened and at peace. The more sophisticated sometimes refer to this practice as yoga.

--Jeni