Dear Jeni,

Is it possible to set ice on fire?

Robert Frost

*********************************************************

Dear Mr. Frost,

Consider the following facts:

1. Water becomes ice when frozen.
2. Ice melts and returns to water when heat is applied.
3. Fire is a heat source.
4. Fire therefore melts ice.
5. Melted ice is water.
6. Water evaporates when excessive heat is applied.

Thus, it may safely be concluded that fire will not burn or consume ice, but will only melt and eventually evaporate it. For further information about the nature of water, consult Kindergarten Science for Dummies.

Jeni,
Emeritus Professor of Water

Dear Jeni,

How can I make my house look and feel like a home when my other half isn't interested in helping with any of it?

M. Stewart

*********************************************************

Dear Ms. Stewart,

Simply banish your other half to some inconspicuous place such as the basement, attic, garage, toolshed, or extra bedroom. Then get thee to a rummage sale, purchase some vintage dresses, sew them together in a creative fashion, and drape the material across the aperture to the distasteful abode of your husband for a shabby chic look that is all the rage.

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

What's your favorite kind of music?

D. Martin

*********************************************************

Dear D.,

I prefer listening to industrial music, particularly late at night--as do all my neighbors, I'm quite sure.

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I is thinning ahed about my returment. I done desidud that my sun needs to go to a bettr coludge than hes partents. Can yu tell me whare to send him? He has to make lots of money so I can quit workin. He aint got no common lerning yet!

Thanx

Covirin the bases

*********************************************************

Dear Coverin',

Send him to a public university in your state. That way when he can't find a decent paying job after graduation, you can blame the government.

Here's to planning ahead,
Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I'm stumped. What should my New Year's resolution be?

--Anonymous

*********************************************************

Dear Anonymous,

New Year's resolutions are some of the least important decisions that most people ever make. Resolve cannot be summoned on a whim. It comes only when you are already devoted to something. Rather than thinking about resolution in terms of what you desire for the future, you should try thinking of it in terms of your past and present actions. What are you already doing regularly? These actions reveal your current resolutions as well as your real desires. New Year's resolutions frequently reflect flimsy desires--things that you would like if you could obtain them without too much effort. So I declare that you should make only the most ridiculous resolutions for the new year. I personally recommend resolving to indulge frequently in clandestine games of badminton played drunkenly at night with pecans. Cheers!

Jeni