Dear Jeni,

There's a cat in my lap, and he won't get up! What should I do?

Sincerely,
Permanent Cat Cushion?

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Dear Cushion?,

Try one of these techniques to transform yourself back into a human being (Note: most require assistance):

1. Have a friend bring two large Dobermans into the room. Prepare to be thoroughly clawed as the cat abandons your lap for higher ground.

2. Have a friend bring out a can of Fancy Feast. Have friend open can in the presence of said cat and place contents in a crystal goblet on the floor.

3. Politely inform cat he must get up. Prepare to be ignored and take more drastic measures.

4. Stand up. Cat will scramble away in the process.

5. Relocate cat from lap to nearby pillow or sofa cushion. Prepare to relocate yourself as well (preferably to a standing position) since cat will inevitably reject new location, however comfortable it may be.

6. Declare yourself a permanent cat cushion.

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

How do you spell relief?

--Upset tummy

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Dear UT,

I do not cast spells. I am an advice Jeni, not a witch Jeni. That
said, I am never hesitant to recommend new and experimental
techniques. Try this:

Open a dictionary to the R pages. Find your word. Write the
word, properly spelled, and the definition at least five times
on the afflicted area. Pour scented oil on top. Take two pepto
bismol tablets and chant "relief" to yourself at least 1000 times.
It may then behoove you to take a shower.

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

Why isn't anyone asking you anything? And could you believe how big that underwater station is?

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Dear Anonymous,

Jenis cannot be held responsible for the lack of curiosity
on behalf of others.  As to the size of the underwater station,
I find it best to believe everything I hear.

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

So what am I gonna do with all these green onions?

--Unsigned


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Dear Unsigned,

You have a variety of acceptable options:

1.  Tie them in bouquets and give them out as May Day flowers.
2.  Curse them and sell them on eBay as "haunted vegetables."
3.  Mail a large box of them to your enemies and see what
happens.
4.  Build an enormous man by weaving the onions together,
encapsulate inside it your favorite sacrificial animals, and
set it afire to appease the pagan gods of spring.

Have fun.

Jeni

Help!

What will me do without Vonnegut??????

BP

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Dear BP,

It is difficult to say. Perhaps now would be the appropriate time to hurl yourself from that bridge you've been eyeing recently.

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I tend to be whiny and clingy and eventually I alienate people. What can I do to change?

K.P.

P.S. I forgot to tell you I kind of obsess on things, too. Thanks.

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Dear K.P. (are you by chance related to KY, makers of fine jelly?),

I have spent some time pondering your question and I have come to the conclusion that there is only one thing for you to do: join the military. They will grind any cantakerous behavior out of you. Push-ups by the hundreds will likely cure your obsessiveness. Hop to, soldier!

Jeni

Dear Jeni,

I am lame. What can I do about it?

Anonymous


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Dear Anonymous,

Well, I suspect there is not much that you can do about it. You could always choose amputation, of course. With less weight, you could more easily piggyback upon large dogs--a handy form of transportation as well as the only legitimate use for such a creature.

Jeni