Ask a Jeni

2007-07-05T08:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

There's a cat in my lap, and he won't get up! What should I do?

Sincerely,
Permanent Cat Cushion?

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Dear Cushion?,

Try one of these techniques to transform yourself back into a human being (Note: most require assistance):

1. Have a friend bring two large Dobermans into the room. Prepare to be thoroughly clawed as the cat abandons your lap for higher ground.

2. Have a friend bring out a can of Fancy Feast. Have friend open can in the presence of said cat and place contents in a crystal goblet on the floor.

3. Politely inform cat he must get up. Prepare to be ignored and take more drastic measures.

4. Stand up. Cat will scramble away in the process.

5. Relocate cat from lap to nearby pillow or sofa cushion. Prepare to relocate yourself as well (preferably to a standing position) since cat will inevitably reject new location, however comfortable it may be.

6. Declare yourself a permanent cat cushion.

Jeni

2007-06-26T10:09:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

How do you spell relief?

--Upset tummy

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Dear UT,

I do not cast spells. I am an advice Jeni, not a witch Jeni. That
said, I am never hesitant to recommend new and experimental
techniques. Try this:

Open a dictionary to the R pages. Find your word. Write the
word, properly spelled, and the definition at least five times
on the afflicted area. Pour scented oil on top. Take two pepto
bismol tablets and chant "relief" to yourself at least 1000 times.
It may then behoove you to take a shower.

Jeni

2007-06-08T13:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

Why isn't anyone asking you anything? And could you believe how big that underwater station is?

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Dear Anonymous,

Jenis cannot be held responsible for the lack of curiosity
on behalf of others.  As to the size of the underwater station,
I find it best to believe everything I hear.

Jeni

2007-04-26T13:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

So what am I gonna do with all these green onions?

--Unsigned


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Dear Unsigned,

You have a variety of acceptable options:

1.  Tie them in bouquets and give them out as May Day flowers.
2.  Curse them and sell them on eBay as "haunted vegetables."
3.  Mail a large box of them to your enemies and see what
happens.
4.  Build an enormous man by weaving the onions together,
encapsulate inside it your favorite sacrificial animals, and
set it afire to appease the pagan gods of spring.

Have fun.

Jeni

2007-04-13T13:50:00.000-05:00

Help!

What will me do without Vonnegut??????

BP

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Dear BP,

It is difficult to say. Perhaps now would be the appropriate time to hurl yourself from that bridge you've been eyeing recently.

Jeni

2007-03-28T22:55:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

I tend to be whiny and clingy and eventually I alienate people. What can I do to change?

K.P.

P.S. I forgot to tell you I kind of obsess on things, too. Thanks.

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Dear K.P. (are you by chance related to KY, makers of fine jelly?),

I have spent some time pondering your question and I have come to the conclusion that there is only one thing for you to do: join the military. They will grind any cantakerous behavior out of you. Push-ups by the hundreds will likely cure your obsessiveness. Hop to, soldier!

Jeni

2007-03-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

I am lame. What can I do about it?

Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Well, I suspect there is not much that you can do about it. You could always choose amputation, of course. With less weight, you could more easily piggyback upon large dogs--a handy form of transportation as well as the only legitimate use for such a creature.

Jeni

2007-03-04T16:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Lately I haven't been able to concentrate in school. Have any advice on how I can focus in class and keep my mind on school both at school and home?

Wants to Concentrate or something

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Dear Wants,

Concentration is overrated. People who can't focus on anything are unable to contemplate pain and despair and can wander aimlessly through unspeakable horrors as though they were running after butterflies. Should such individuals stumble upon the horror of their situation, they quickly find something else to distract them. Work on cultivating your flightiness and you will eventually lose the desire to do something as absurdly unrewarding as concentrating.

Jeni

2007-03-01T22:30:00.000-06:00

Dear Mom,

When are you coming home? This other person keeps coming over and petting me and changing my water, but it's not the same!

Miss you,

Gergiev

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Silly cat, looking to a random Jeni when you should be looking for the Jeni, for your own personal Jeni! You must find some other blog, my feline friend. Best of luck to you. It is quite sad indeed to lose one's human companion.

a Jeni

2007-02-20T15:01:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Why do most of the male actors on the hit NBC series Heroes have such big eyebrows?

I-Cat

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Dear I-Cat,

It makes them look manly. Besides, thick eyebrows are all the rage, even for women. See the NY Times article "Throw Your Tweezers Away." So apparently, your favorite TV show actors are merely keeping up with the latest fashion. I hear that Santiago Cabrera actually uses eyebrow extensions.

Jeni

2007-02-09T14:32:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

What is so special about the Super Bowl anyway!

--No Interest

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Dear Mr. or Ms. Interest,

The Super Bowl is a time when families, friends, and neighbors can openly expose their beer-inflated bellies to the world, paint them, and further stuff them with chicken wings without shame, humiliation, or other social sanction. It is a Carnival of sorts. But do not worry. Immediately following it is a period of Lent, during which time no football-induced mayhem is allowed.

Jeni

2007-02-05T14:35:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Professor Water is a fraud! Yesterday at my work, the swimming pool caught on fire. Ha.

Erudite Luddite

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Dear Erudite,

You seem confused about the nature of water. Water does not burn. In fact, burning can actually produce water vapor, such as in the combustion of hydrogen and oxygen.

That being said, water will change its form in the presence of heat, changing from a liquid to a gas (vapor) through a mysterious and largely unheard-of process that specialists call "evaporation."

It is, however, possible for a swimming pool to catch fire, though it is not actually the water that is burning (though some of the water may certainly be evaporating). In my day, crazy college students would pour kerosene in campus fountains and light the fountains afire. Note the use of kerosene. The water would not burn on its own. And indeed, the fire went quickly out because the kerosene promptly burned and all that was left around it (i.e., water) would not burn.

For a fun science experiment, try taking a bucket of plain water (no chemicals, kerosene, etc., in it) and dropping a lit match into it. Then add kerosene and try again. (Warning: experiment may be dangerous and may result in serious injury or death. Do not attempt at home.)

Jeni

2007-02-02T14:48:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

How do I make my husband's (far less cute) big cat like my (completely adorable) little cat?

Crazy Cat Lady

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Dear Crazy Cat Lady,

Buy several cans of tuna. Drain the water into a bowl. Do not give any tuna to big cat. Pour the drained tuna water all over little cat. Big cat shall soon have an uncontrollable desire to be near and lick little cat. Once big cat associates microkitty with the pleasantness of tuna, your household shall be the picture of feline domestic bliss.

Jeni

2007-02-01T22:40:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Why should I care?

--Question for the Ages

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Dear Questioning,

It doesn't matter. You obviously do care. You wrote to me instead of hurling yourself off the nearest bridge. Congratulations.

Jeni

2007-01-26T12:33:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Is it possible to set ice on fire?

Robert Frost

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Dear Mr. Frost,

Consider the following facts:

1. Water becomes ice when frozen.
2. Ice melts and returns to water when heat is applied.
3. Fire is a heat source.
4. Fire therefore melts ice.
5. Melted ice is water.
6. Water evaporates when excessive heat is applied.

Thus, it may safely be concluded that fire will not burn or consume ice, but will only melt and eventually evaporate it. For further information about the nature of water, consult Kindergarten Science for Dummies.

Jeni,
Emeritus Professor of Water

2007-01-23T12:05:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

How can I make my house look and feel like a home when my other half isn't interested in helping with any of it?

M. Stewart

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Dear Ms. Stewart,

Simply banish your other half to some inconspicuous place such as the basement, attic, garage, toolshed, or extra bedroom. Then get thee to a rummage sale, purchase some vintage dresses, sew them together in a creative fashion, and drape the material across the aperture to the distasteful abode of your husband for a shabby chic look that is all the rage.

Jeni

2007-01-07T19:09:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

What's your favorite kind of music?

D. Martin

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Dear D.,

I prefer listening to industrial music, particularly late at night--as do all my neighbors, I'm quite sure.

Jeni

2007-01-03T21:30:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

I is thinning ahed about my returment. I done desidud that my sun needs to go to a bettr coludge than hes partents. Can yu tell me whare to send him? He has to make lots of money so I can quit workin. He aint got no common lerning yet!

Thanx

Covirin the bases

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Dear Coverin',

Send him to a public university in your state. That way when he can't find a decent paying job after graduation, you can blame the government.

Here's to planning ahead,
Jeni

2007-01-01T13:38:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

I'm stumped. What should my New Year's resolution be?

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

New Year's resolutions are some of the least important decisions that most people ever make. Resolve cannot be summoned on a whim. It comes only when you are already devoted to something. Rather than thinking about resolution in terms of what you desire for the future, you should try thinking of it in terms of your past and present actions. What are you already doing regularly? These actions reveal your current resolutions as well as your real desires. New Year's resolutions frequently reflect flimsy desires--things that you would like if you could obtain them without too much effort. So I declare that you should make only the most ridiculous resolutions for the new year. I personally recommend resolving to indulge frequently in clandestine games of badminton played drunkenly at night with pecans. Cheers!

Jeni

2006-12-31T13:45:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

How can I break the cycle of dry skin?

Sincerely,
Tired of Scratching

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Dear Tired,

You have all sorts of great options:

1. Move to the equator where there is no winter.
2. Invest in some sessions with a shrink to discover the root of your compulsively neglectful skincare behavior.
3. Add two drops of water (available on tap) into a bath of sweet almond oil ($22.95 for 6 oz.) and soak for two hours daily.
4. Shave off your skin.

Feel free to try them all to find the method that works best for you.

Jeni

2006-12-30T19:06:00.000-06:00

What is the worst idea anyone ever had?

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Dear Anonymous,

The worst idea ever, my lovely reader, is yours! It is horrible to assume that there is such a narrow variety of ridiculous ideas that they all fit on the same scale. To cure you, I refer you to the entertaining book entitled Forgotten Fads and Fabulous Flops: An Amazing Collection of Goofy Stuff That Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time. Some of the terrible ideas contained therein include smokeless cigarettes and chewable toothpaste. The author, Paul Kirchner, has made a bit of a career of writing about particularly bad ideas as well as those that somehow went horribly awry. And if you need further reading, you can check out Oops: Twenty Life Lessons from the Fiascoes That Shaped America, which includes a miscellaneous chapter that details one of the worst ice cream flavors of all time: equine sushi.

Jeni

2006-12-21T15:18:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Why are you a Jeni and not a Jenny? Don't try to tell me that Jenny is a characteristic of a fake Jeni because I've known several real Jenis who are Jennys. Or should that be Jennies?

jenifan5000

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Dear jenifan,

Once upon a time, long, long ago, there was a young girl named Jennifer who longed to escape the confines of her given name and the equally burdensome yoke of the quotidian. Said girl began to thwart the name lavished upon her by doting parents and would shorten her name to Jeni, Jenny, Jen, Jenn, Jenni, Jeny, and other absurd variations. Eventually, she grew tired of such whimsical experiments and settled upon a single spelling using all of her infinite wisdom. A name ending in "i," you see, is a very prized possession among young females. It bestows cuteness upon its owner, allowing her the distinct privilege of adorning the vowel with a bubble rather than a dot. Later, whilst in college, our heroine abandoned her girlish habit of using bubbles and spelling her name in all lowercase letters and grew into the more sophisticated Jeni that you know today.

Jeni

P.S. The plural of "Jenny" is, of course, "Jennies," suggesting the latent importance of the "i" in all variations of the name.

2006-12-20T19:11:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

In your opinion, what are the 5 best Christmas movies EVER?

Laura

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Dear Laura,

What a fine question! Holiday-themed movies are always of the highest quality. Let me introduce you to the best ones for Christmas:

Powerpuff Girls: Twas the Fight Before Christmas (2003). In this masterpiece of cinema, the quirky Powerpuff Girls fight to rescue Christmas from the diabolical plans of---Princess? And quite a frightening threat she must pose too.

Bloody Christmas (2003). A short French film chronicling the adventures of a murderous Christmas tree. A good choice to view following the previous title.

Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July (1979). If Christmas movies in December aren’t enough for you, you can view this film that features Christmas and the Fourth of July in one huge, holiday spectacular. Also features “Frosty’s family magic amulets.” Oh, yeah! By the way, in case you are inclined to think this was some obscure attempt to pander to children, let me note that it had a theatrical release and features the voices of Mickey Rooney, Ethel Merman, and Shelley Winters.

One Hell of a Christmas (2002). After serving two years of hard time, a recently released convict becomes “entangled in a web of sex, drugs, and Christmas carols.” A heartwarming story for the entire family.

A Cosmic Christmas (1977). “Three aliens come to Earth to discover the true meaning of Christmas.” Sometimes a teaser tells you all you need to know.

So log on to Netflix, make some popcorn, cuddle up with your loved ones, and let the holiday magic begin.

Jeni

2006-12-19T17:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

I have noticed recently that the fonts on your blog have been changing from letter to letter. Is this a coincidence, or a clever marketing ploy? Also, may I please have your autograph? Thanks.

A Fan

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Dear Mr. or Ms. Fan,

A clever Jeni reveals neither blunders nor marketing secrets. Below is my autograph.

Yours truly,
Jeni

2006-12-18T16:20:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Would you say that George W. Bush is a great president, or the greatest president?

signed,
SC

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Dear SC,

Greatness lies in inspiration, so Bush is not the greatest president. After all, what has he inspired, other than dogged devotion, venomous hatred, and (of course) a Michael Moore propaganda extravaganza? What sort of paltry accomplishments are these? The greatest president of all time is the little known Turnips for Tots founder and president J. Edgar Hunger. Though his own charitable endeavors floundered for reasons that have yet to be fully articulated and analyzed, he inspired a much more successful charity for children with a similar name.

But perhaps you were referring to the greatest U.S. President. The greatest U.S. President was James Garfield, who indirectly inspired the world's most lovable and tricksy feline, Garfield. Garfield the cat was named after James Garfield Davis (grandfather of the cartoonist Jim Davis), who was named after President Garfield. Garfield the cat unites people of every race, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, and citizenship in their devoted fan-dom. What better legacy could a person hope for?

Jeni

2006-12-17T17:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni

What is the best way to cure the holiday blues (that does not
invove cats)?  I have tried wassailing, hewing a yule log for
the servants, and hiding a pickle in the Christmas tree.  I
have even purchased a fat goose and given it to an
urchin, yet I cannot shake the urge to sigh and recline on the
fainting couch.  Do rush, as I must bear up the strength to
make figgy pudding soon.

Yours Most Humbly,
Mrs. Astor

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My dear Mrs. A---,

By all means, do take yourself unto a better world forthwith! 
And be sure to leave your earthly possessions to some urchin
more worthy of them than yourself.  The preparing of figgy
pudding is not intended as punishment, and to view it as such
suggests a severe and permanent impediment of the spirit of
Christmas.

Signed,
a most festive Jeni

2006-12-16T14:28:00.000-06:00

Jeni--

It's cold out! I'm wondering what's the best hot chocolate recipe of all times? Thanks!

C. Moore-Hershey

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Dear Hershey,

For the best hot chocolate ever, follow the steps below:

1) Put on snow boots and mittens.
2) Take thee to a local Starbucks.
3) Order a hot chocolate.
4) Enjoy!

To find a Starbucks near you, visit this website.

(For an inferior hot chocolate that you must make yourself, warm some whole milk in a pot over low heat. Add a high-quality dark chocolate bar broken into small pieces. Stir with a whisk until the chocolate is melted. Note: this recipe was not tested by an actual human being.)

Jeni

2006-12-15T22:30:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Is there a Santa Claus?

An Elf in a Quandry

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Dear Elf,

There is not "a" Santa Claus. Instead, there are many Santa Clauses--roughly one per mall.

Jeni

2006-12-14T12:36:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Have you ever read Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad? Why were people back then so easily entertained?

A Postbellum Postulant

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Dear Post,

Yes, I have read Twain's fine book about American tourists.

People back then were easily entertained because they had not yet witnessed the monumental comic genius of Adam Sandler and Pee-wee Herman. If they had, they would never have appreciated such ridiculously diminutive, long-winded observations such as the one below.

"We were troubled a little at dinner to-day, by the conduct of an American, who talked very loudly and coarsely, and laughed boisterously where all others were so quiet and well-behaved. He ordered wine with a royal flourish, and said: 'I never dine without wine, sir,' (which was a pitiful falsehood,) and looked around upon the company to bask in the admiration he expected to find in their faces. All these airs in a land where they would as soon expect to leave the soup out of the bill of fare as the wine!--in a land where wine is nearly as common among all ranks as water! This fellow said: 'I am a free-born sovereign, sir, an American, sir, and I want everybody to know it!' He did not mention that he was a lineal descendant of Balaam's ass; but every body knew that without his telling it."

Signed,
an innocent Jeni

2006-12-13T21:24:00.000-06:00

Jeni,

I see this question on applications, but I never know how to answer it. Do you have any suggestions?

This is the question: "Are you now or have you ever been?"

Uncertain as to reply

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Dear Uncertain,

You are quite right to seek advice. It is best to answer all such questions with the utmost of care. Who knows but that the application was devised by Descartes's evil demon and that your answer may not indeed determine your ontological status for all time? And so, I would advise you to answer thus: "I'm uncertain whether I have ever been in the past, I suspect that I may be now, and I most definitely will be in the future."

Signed,
a Jeni who is and may continue to be

2006-12-06T21:22:00.000-06:00

Dear Ms. Jeni,

What is "The Cult of Topaz"?

JGW

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Dear J,

Topaz is the trusty feline companion of a certain beloved and theatrical English professor, Dr. Joseph Kestner. The Cult of Topaz is a mysterious, anonymous group of students devoted to the true source of Dr. Kestner's inspiration. You may support the cult's activities by purchasing a t-shirt here.

Jeni

2006-12-01T14:39:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

This past year I have made many friends at a particular website. I think one friend has a serious alcohol problem. He says things that hurt other mutual friends, then tries to undue the damage. I suspect he does this while drunk and doesn't remember what he has done. He then says he doesn't understand why certain people are mad at him. He plays the part of the victim. I am a little familiar with situations like this. I had a brother-in-law who was an alcoholic from his early teen years. When he was sober, he was an OK guy. When he was drunk, he was married to two women who didn't know about each other and neither did his family. He did some really bizarre things. When I was a child, I had a neighbor who was alcoholic. He and his family kept it under wraps for many years. I think I was 20 before I realized what was going on. I saw him walking down the road, stumbling and falling several times before he reached his door. Mom told me why!

I guess what I need to know is: What can I say to convince my friends to accept the apologies of the offender and give him another chance? He has sent them some bizarre emails asking for forgiveness. I know it's the alcohol talking. How can I get them to separate the alcohol from the man and understand which is which speaking to them?

Stuck in the middle

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Dear Stuck,

I may best answer your question with but a single line: I, an official Jeni, do hereby absolve you of responsibility. The situation is sad, and your concern is certainly understandable. But you are not truly stuck in the middle; you have placed yourself there, and you need to leave at once. You are responsible only for your own actions and words, not for those of others. If your friends ask you about the man, there is certainly nothing wrong with telling them your thoughts and your approach to him. But your friends must choose for themselves whether to respond to this man with forgiveness or with censure. And just as you offer understanding and support to your alcoholic friend, you should extend that same compassion and empathy to your other friends and the difficult choices that they may have to make in regard to this man. Best of luck to you all.

Jeni

2006-11-30T15:45:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Who is this person claiming to be Zorak, the arch-enemy of Space Ghost? S/he seems to have developed an unhealthy, obsessive fondness for you. Do you need me to kick some ass?

Signed,
Obsessed Jeni Fanatic, aka Jeni's One True and Timeless Love

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Dear Obsessed,

I'm afraid, dear fanatic, that the blog posting to which you link offers evidence of unhealthy obsession only on your own behalf. Furthermore, the benefit of being a random Jeni is that I may reject monogamy and accept as many obsessed admirers as may happen to come my way.

Oh, and in response to Zorak's observation that my blog is not updated frequently enough, I can only add that a Jeni would never stoop so low as to ask herself questions. Since I answer all questions that are asked, it is the fault of my uninquisitive readers if they find the blog updated but occasionally.

Jeni

P.S. Any true fanatic might be interested in promoting my blog with the brand new askajeni bumper sticker.

2006-11-29T14:36:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

Thanks so much, dear, for your detailed and well thought out suggestion. I did take it under the the most careful consideration. However, prior to receiving your keen advice, I took the step of setting the time manually. After a few days of successful time-keeping, I believe the machine has adequately proven its demon-free state. Nevertheless, I will keep the matter under close supervision, and should any sign of a nefarious presence return, I will reconsider your idea.

Many thanks,

Hermoine G. Wells

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Dear Ms. Wells,

The curative powers of a Jeni are so potent that sometimes they work even before her sage advice is administered. How nice for you that your electronic equipment is now depossessed!

Jeni

2006-11-26T15:36:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

The time on my VCR keeps changing. Sometimes it is only about 30 minutes off; other times it is off by several hours. What should I do?

Cordially,
H.G. Wells

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Dear Mr. Wells,

Clearly, your VCR is possessed by a demon of the most dangerous sort. The only reliable way to deal with such a situation is to perform an equally dangerous exorcism. But, beware that your VCR may not survive the ordeal.

That noted, here is what you should do. Wait until after sunset. Collect bells to ring and ancient incense to burn. Light the incense so that the fumes spread out all about the attacking spirit located in the VCR, and walk around it several times ringing one or more bells. Proceed to banish the negative emotional energy through chants of your choice (either religious or new age). Then attack the spirit directly through verbal commands spoken loudly and firmly and through nonverbal commands spoken telepathically. As the spirit is leaving, the counsellee (i.e., the VCR) shall shake most violently. This is to be expected. Continue with the verbal commands until the spirit leaves, an event which should be exceedingly obvious and needs no description. Traditionally, you should then administer soothing ointments and words to the counsellee. In your particular case, you might consider omitting the ointments; the VCR might not take kindly to them.

Best of luck to you. And by all means, write back to tell us all how the exorcism goes and the fate of the hapless VCR.

Jeni

2006-11-09T19:14:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

How did you get your URL to show up on Google searches? Mine won't.

'nernets is hard.

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Random Jenis cannot be expected to know such arcane things, especially one who has scores of devoted followers who apparently accomplish such things for her.

--Jeni

2006-10-30T10:27:00.000-06:00

Dear Jeni,

You recently told my mother to cash in her bonds; then you advised her to vagabond across Europe. Well, thanks! Now she's gone, the cat's are hungry, and dishes are piling up in the sink. And WHAT'S THAT SMELL?!

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

What on earth are you doing writing to me when you should be feeding the cats and packing up their belongings so that they too may go vagabonding far away from the dishes and the smell? It is quite unmannerly of you to subject your innocent cats to hunger, boredom, and filth.
For shame!

Jeni

2006-10-28T14:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

You'd think that one of the 30,000 research scientists at the 36th Annual Meeting of the Society for Neuroscience would be able to help me with this one, but no such luck. For the past year or so, I have been trying to definitively show that human astrocytes (at least those of the commerical A172 line) express cytokine-induced iNOS and CXCL10 via the NF-kB pathway. Previously I have been isolating the p50/p65 heterodimer by nuclear extraction and quantifying the p65 by western immunoblot analysis, but the bands--while clearly showing that NF-kB is involved--have been rather blurry and inconsistent between experiments. I hypothesize that one can observe p65 spectrophotometrically through an enzyme-linked immunosorbent assay (ELISA) since we do the same for the aforementioned CXCL10, however, I have yet to find a commercially available kit. If no such kit exists, can you tell me which antibodies and buffers I need, and how I may obtain pure NF-kBp65 to use as a control? Thanks Jeni, you're a lifesaver.

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous Scientist,

It seems that you are looking for a philosopher's stone of sorts, a mystical substance that can be used for any purpose and can function as any imaginable chemical. Fortunately for you, such a magical substance does actually exist and, perhaps even more importantly, any random Jeni can tell you where to find it. Of course, this philosopher's stone is legendarily difficult to attain. Are you, a lab-coated scientist at home only among beakers and esoteric compounds, up for the challenge? The substance occurs naturally in only one known place: the spleen of a living jackalope. Proceed, therefore, humble scientist, into the wild world of the American West and capture one of these oversized bunnies forthwith, and you shall be rewarded with eternal fame.
--Jeni

2006-10-23T16:48:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

Three different people have come up to me at church in the last eight days. The first lady is about 10 years older than I am. She said she and her friends had just been noticing how my "looks" never change. The next one said I still look the same as I did when I babysat her teen age children when they were in the nursery. She than gave me a hug. About an hour later, this young man (the youngest son of the first lady) came up to me and said I looked just as I did when he was in grade school. How should I react to this kind of flattery? Maybe their eyes are going bad.

Growing old gracefully

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Dear Growing Old,

I recommend investing in a cane. It will counteract your youthful good looks, and using it to give a good whack to the head should prevent any more unwanted compliments. Nasty creatures, these people. Let us rid them from the world forthwith.

--Jeni

2006-10-22T16:15:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

What's the best way to keep a virtual Speckled Goldbulb alive? Mine keep dying.

Sincerely,
Something's Fishy

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Dear Fishy,

Your virtual fish was never alive in the first place. Instead of wasting your time with such nonsense, you should embark upon a series of experiments to create a Frankenfish, a mutant monster fish that shall bring an end to hunger for the fish-eating population, an achievement which shall bring you fame, fortune, and the admiration of cats worldwide.

--Jeni

2006-10-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

I am currently teaching a writing class, and am getting behind in my grading. Can you recommend some ways I can get caught up?

Thanks,
Getting Behind in (City Withheld)

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Dear Getting Behind,

There are many excellent, sound pedagogical strategies for the grading of student papers:

1. Attach all papers to an obliging fence. Dip small rocks in paint. Assign each grade a particular color. Assault papers at your leisure. Reveal color coding to students who ask about their grade (probably better not to inform them of your secret grading process though).

2. Have students write their address on their papers. Attach each paper to a helium balloon along with a message for the finder to grade the paper and return it to the student as soon as possible.

3. Burn down your house. Explain to anyone concerned (students, administrators, etc.) that the papers were in your house and cannot now be graded.

Option three is best used only in a true emergency.

--Jeni

2006-10-09T13:08:00.000-05:00

Jeni,

What is the best way to surprise an internet friend on his birthday?

Getting older by the day

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Dear Getting Older,

The best way to surprise an internet friend is to make a real life appearance. You should try something particularly festive like writing "Happy Birthday" in gasoline on his yard at night and setting it aflame. He will surely be delighted by your thoughtfulness and invite you in for a piece of leftover birthday cake.

--Jeni

2006-10-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

What should I do about the ping-pong table in my driveway? The guy that said he wanted it hasn't taken it yet, and it's an eyesore! But it is too heavy for me to move.

Going back and forth,
Reluctant Table Possessor

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Dear Possessor,

Now, how is anyone supposed to enjoy stealing something if they don't know its value? Place a "for sale" sign on the table listing the price as $500 in very large print. Tomorrow, it will be gone.

--Jeni

2006-10-01T23:31:00.000-05:00

Jeni,

What, in your opinion, is the best way to fight boredom?

Bored

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Dear Bored,

First of all, you need to get into an anatomically challenging position that is as uncomfortable as it is awkward. Then stare straight ahead at a blank white wall for as long as possible--at least a few hours. You shall feel enlightened and at peace. The more sophisticated sometimes refer to this practice as yoga.

--Jeni

2006-09-21T22:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

How many sentences are needed to make up a complete paragraph? Some say five, but I think in certain cases three may be sufficient. What do you think?

Grammatically yours,
I-Cat

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Dear I-Cat,

According to the Tao Te Ching, the perfect knot has no rope. According to Jeni, the perfect paragraph has no sentences.

--Jeni

2006-09-20T22:51:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

I am currently dying of nothing. Which Vicotorian illness do you think best suits a middle class woman and gentle bearing but unplumbed strength--dropsy or vapors?

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous Victorian,

Both illnesses are quite proper to your bearing and social status and should be indulged in frequently, though never at the same time. The more pressing concern, however, is the issue of treatment. Bloodletting should be considered an all-purpose treatment for such illnesses, especially in cases where it induces swooning. Best acquire a fine porcelain bowl to place under your arm before bleeding. Should you have difficulty finding an adequately delicate bowl while in your enfeebled state, leeches will suffice. It is advisable that you go recline forthwith upon a velvet chaise, and do remember, my dear, that observing such proper formalities in treatment is essential to maintaining the dignity of your illness.

--Jeni

2006-09-19T20:44:00.000-05:00

Jeni,

I love the idea behind the blog! Now onto my silly question - which Macaroni & Cheese is the definitive Mac & Cheese? Is it really Kraft blue box or perhaps some lesser known brand that most of us have never heard of? This is a question that has plagued us for generations and now you - a random Jeni - hold the power in your hands to give the final, definitive answer. Are you up to the challenge?

Looking forward to trying out your response,
A Mac & Cheese enthusiast

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Dear Mac,

Alas! the ideal, platonic form of Macaroni and Cheese has not yet found expression in the actual world. For as everyone knows, proper macaroni and cheese consists of a cheddar cheese sauce and machine-produced elbow pasta made without egg. The tastiest version of this dish, however, lacks the essential elbow shape: Pasta Roni's Shells & White Cheddar.

Condolences, my friend. Fate is often cruel.

--Jeni

2006-09-18T21:46:00.000-05:00

Dear Ask A Jeni,

Why do you not have a place where people can submit a question via your blog instead of email? Some disadvantaged people do not have email.

Jerome Black

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Dear Jerome,

The fine people at hotmail.com offer free email to both the advantaged and disadvantaged alike. It is also possible to post questions as comments on individual blog entries for those too lazy to set up an account, though it has yet to be determined whether or not I shall accept questions presented in such an unorthodox manner.

--Jeni

2006-09-17T16:00:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

I received notice from the Treasury Department today that my 30 year old HH bond will receive no more interest after November.
What should I do???

1. Cash it and put it in my Money Market account.

2. Cash it and buy a Certificate of Deposit.

3. Invest in other Savings Bonds.

4 Cash it and buy a vacuum cleaner.(I really don't like cleaning).

5. Cash it and send the $$ to you.

6. Ask Clark Howard for advise.

Any and all help is appreciated.

Thank You,
Financially Dysfunctional

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Dear Dysfunctional,

This is really quite a good question. Everyone knows that money is generally meant to be hoarded, but few people know how to do so properly anymore. Allow me to enlighten you.

First of all, you need to cash in your bond. Insist upon gold coins, which are far more satisfying to stack into tall, neat piles. If you cannot manage this, $1 bills are acceptable, I suppose. The second step is to locate a proper box. The ideal box will fit nicely under your bed and will be just slightly too small to contain your cash. The last point is essential: you want the box to be overflowing with money! (Alternatively, you could purchase a counting desk, but this would limit your hoarding and so is not recommended.) Now every day, you must close your drapes, lock your door, and count your money. Doing so should inspire you to add to your pile. Perhaps one day you will find yourself rich. Then you can quit your job and spend all day counting your money.

Best of luck to you.

--Jeni

2006-09-16T22:42:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

I spend a lot of time on the computer. I am up half the night, then have a terrible time getting up for work the next morning. Should I quit my job or just log off and get a life?

Undecided

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Dear Undecided,

By all means, quit your job. And while you're at it, throw your computer out the nearest window. Why choose just one option when you can have the pleasure of doing both? Personally, I recommend vagabonding through Europe. If you do this without managing to have an epiphany about how best to waste your time, you can always take up another worthless project like writing a dissertation. Of course at that point, you may wish you had kept your computer after all.

--Jeni

2006-09-15T00:14:00.000-05:00

hi Jeni u r hot! Y dont u post a pitcher of urslf I bet ur hot.

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

You clearly have an overactive imagination. You have absolutely no evidence upon which to base your assertion. Some people might call this a logical fallacy. Others might simply refer to it as common stupidity. Being the ever considerate person that I am, I shall let you decide which description you prefer.

--Jeni

2006-09-11T23:17:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

Are child window proclamations a good purchase?

--Anonymous

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Dear Anonymous,

Funny that you should ask about this unusual item just a week or so after I received yet another flier about it in the mail. I am unsure whether this product is widely available or known. The fliers look rather homemade, so I suspect that this may be some bizarre local phenomenon. For the sake of readers who may not have received said flier in their mailbox yet, I have recorded the main text of it below:

Proclaim Your Child To Be the Best

Have you ever wondered if that honor roll bumper sticker on your car is really sufficient to honor your child properly? Doesn’t the world deserve to know more about YOUR little angel? Why settle for a bumper sticker or a yard sign announcing a single accomplishment when you could display a customized proclamation that clearly shows your child to be the best?

What is a child window proclamation?
A child window proclamation is a customized, detailed resume of all your child’s accomplishments printed on a clear adhesive sticker that you may display on any window on your car, home, or office.

What sort of accomplishments should be included on a child window proclamation?
Everything from being the valedictorian of his/her kindergarten class to finishing first in last week’s intermural championship.

Who designs the layout of my child window proclamation?
Because your child’s accomplishments deserve the best graphical presentation possible, we hire only licensed graphic designers to do our layouts.

Would a child window proclamation make a good gift?
Of course! Anyone who knows your child would love to have one as a gift. A child window proclamation is also a great way to express to those people who have never had the joy of meeting your child just how wonderful your child really is.

So, on to your question. Really, if you had read the flier at all, you would not need to ask this. Surely you got a flier. How else would you have heard about such a bizarre product? Anyone who does not have sense enough to read and listen to random pieces of paper distributed to the masses through the public mail does not deserve a proper answer from a fine and educated Jeni.

--Jeni

2006-09-09T12:38:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

My next door neighbor's moved out 3 months ago and their cat ran off just as they were leaving. They tried to come back and get him several times, but he had turned quasi-feral at that point and wouldn't get around people for a month. We kept putting food and water out, but he still wouldn't come near. Then my Mom cooked up some freezer-burned trout and gave it to him, and he has loved us ever since. Do we own this cat now, or should we lock him up and call the long-lost ex-neighbors?

Sincerely,
Flabbergasted Feline Friend

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Dear Flabber,

No, you do not own the cat. Cats cannot be owned like slaves. The cat has seen fit to honor you with his presence. You should go around basking in your undeserved glory.

Also, it is bad form to serve food of poor quality to cats.

--Jeni

P.S. Jeni not responsible for typos by original authors of letters.

2006-09-06T22:35:00.000-05:00

Dear Jeni,

Why are you not an advice columnist?

Signed,
Anonymous Friend and Advocate

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Dear Friend,

I was not previously aware that I should be one. Perhaps this blog shall satisfy you. Of course, it is entirely possible that no one shall ask me any questions and that the column shall languish for some time, unread and ignored, before being unceremoniously committed to the flames. I hope you can live with yourself should this venture encounter some such fate.

--Jeni