Dear Jeni,

There's a cat in my lap, and he won't get up! What should I do?

Sincerely,
Permanent Cat Cushion?

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Dear Cushion?,

Try one of these techniques to transform yourself back into a human being (Note: most require assistance):

1. Have a friend bring two large Dobermans into the room. Prepare to be thoroughly clawed as the cat abandons your lap for higher ground.

2. Have a friend bring out a can of Fancy Feast. Have friend open can in the presence of said cat and place contents in a crystal goblet on the floor.

3. Politely inform cat he must get up. Prepare to be ignored and take more drastic measures.

4. Stand up. Cat will scramble away in the process.

5. Relocate cat from lap to nearby pillow or sofa cushion. Prepare to relocate yourself as well (preferably to a standing position) since cat will inevitably reject new location, however comfortable it may be.

6. Declare yourself a permanent cat cushion.

Jeni